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All the news unfit to print for Friday, October 24, 2008


THE BACKWARDS 'B' CON JOB

CBS NEWS/AP While she may not be the Schmuck of the week by its best definition, she is the prevaricator of the week. Yesterday, when the Drudge Report led the site on Ashley Todd, a 20-year-old McCain volunteer that claimed she was attacked, and that a B was carved on her face, other websites picked it up. Even the SCHMUCKRAKER made reference to it in its random rakings section yesterday.. But now it turns out, as some online suspected, the story of Ashley Todd has gone down in flames .. it was false, according to police investigating the incident. Perhaps the backwards B should have.. well, tipped everyone off? She told police Wednesday that she was attacked by a black male.. Today she can't explain why she made the story up.. AP suggests that police were initially suspicious, again, because the B on her face was backwards. She says that she doesn't remember carving the B on her own face, but admits that she must have since the rest of the mugging/mutilation story was false.. A morbidly twisted tale, the ends even more on the morbid note.. My hope is that she makes a quick recovery, and that she has mental analysis done. And that the media leaves her family alone--and leaves her alone. Something about this story is very sad...

The other interesting aspect of the Ashley Todd story: Drudge vs Wonkette.. Wonkette won.

Can't wait for this election to end. It's been weird.

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All the news unfit to print for Saturday, October 11, 2008


You know the economy's bad when you start to find hairpieces on the floor!


The Schmuck of the Week: Unnamed this week. But he's a guy who got so frantic about the state of his own personal economic struggles that he actually lost his hair. In a split second. This week, during wild trading on Wall Street, someone lost their hair. CNBC reporter Rick Santelli was broadcasting live from the New York Stock Exchange as he held up a toupee on the air that apparently fell off of a trader's head. Perhaps the ultimate best sign of the gluttony of greed run amok: And now Schmuck. The Schmuck of the week.. some bald man out there in MoneyLand wondering if he'll ever get his 401K back again...

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All the news unfit to print for Saturday, October 4, 2008


The Schmuck of the week: The Drunken Cow Sent to Jail

AP Photo/Middletown Ohio Police department via Dayton Daily News Michelle Allen, 32, was arrested in Ohio for disorderly conduct, which included public urination, chasing children while drunk while wearing a cow suit, and in her rampage screaming obscenities.. She was a theme park employee, which explains the suit. And she wasn't wearing anything under her cow suit, and was forced to wear the suit for her prison mugshot. And reports (really, I'm not making this up) from the jailhouse: While she was sobering up before her court appearance, she was yelling "suck my udders".. I have to say I feel bad for Allen a little bit. While I never dressed as a cow and yelled for people to suck my udders, I probably did stupid or weird things when I was drunk. Even more, Michelle Allen now has this on her record--a now very public record. The story has made it around the world due to the odd nature of the situation. A woman dressed as a cow, urinating in public.. A sad schmuck of the week. But what I want to know, when she was urinating, was there an opening somewhere? Or did it just flow out of an udder?

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All the news unfit to print for Saturday, August 23, 2008


GRAMPS THE LANDLORD: THE SCHMUCK OF THE WEEK


AFP/Alfredo Estrella
America may wish that John McCain was the national landlord: if he was, perhaps he'd forget how many properties he has and forget to charge rent. McCain fell into the biggest trap and candidate could fall into this week. When asked how many homes he owns, his mouth dropped and he didn't know. He had no clue.. The embarrassing moment is helping solidy the silent campaign against McCain: He's old and he's out of touch. Obama, reeling from a horrible summer of slumping polls and reckless foreign policy comments, trounced on McCain's forgetfulness over the home count. While both McCain and Obama are wealthy, there is something about forgetting the amount of homes someone owns. In the year 2000, George W. Bush was asked names of world leaders. He was clueless.. In 2008, McCain was asked an even simpler questions.. This one hits "home" harder. In 2000, America thought of Bush as their kind of guy .. America didn't know those foreign leader names, either. But Bush wore a cowboy hat, had a ranch, and symbolized a tough American. In 2008, McCain may know world leaders, he may have been to Georgia (not the state) more times than he could count on two hands, but not knowing a basic simple aspect of his own personal economics? That hurts. And it hurts even more when America finds out one of the homes he owns is a 'servant's quarters.' If McCain picks Romney, the elitism and snobbery will be full steam ahead. Romney is a little reminiscent of an old 1950s slick vitamin salesman.. or a door to door insurance salesman.. Good with words, never a messed hair, and awfully rich.
McCain was a war hero.. He was a symbol of American pride and strength.. But in 2008, he appears to be more like Abe Simpson. But even Abe probably knows how many homes he owns. If McCain loses this year, he could look back to these hot dog days of August and remember his gaffe. And maybe sell a few houses....

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All the news unfit to print for Saturday, January 26, 2008


SICK: JOHN GIBSON MOCKS HEATH LEDGER'S DEATH

I missed this during the week.. I am glad I did. Thanks for the email alerting me to these words and this story. John Gibson mocks Heath Ledger's death on his radio show.. He opened his show with funeral music .. he played clips of Ledger saying "We're dead".. Gibson said, "He was depressed about yesterday’s downturn in the world stock markets." He played clips during funeral music from BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. He opened the show saying Ledger "found out how to quit you." Most recently, Mr. Gibson wrote a book about how Christmas is becoming Godless.. And even more recently, Mr. Gibson became Godless. Along with his hair.. his weighty hair-sprayed hair. John Gibson isn't worth much respect. He came to us during the OJ Simpson trial back in the 1990s. He made a name for himself by reporting the scoopings and drippings of trial gossip nightly. He moved up the ranks on FOX NEWS. He writes books.. he proclaims himself as a fine Christian concerned about America. He should thank his lucky stars with Geraldo Rivera gave him to the nation. His words this week weren't funny. There's an audience for sick humor -- but someone like John Gibson is not the character it should come from. And besides, it was beyond tasteless, the timing was horrible, and it wasn't really even funny. Aqua Net Gibson: The most heinous person of the week. I don't do it anymore with regularity, but I nominate and proclaim John Gibson: The Schmuck of the Week. One sick schmuck.

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    schmuck -shmuhk-
    a noun Slang. an obnoxious or contemptible person.
    Origin:
    1890-95; Yiddish shmok (vulgar) lit., penis of uncert. orig.

    MUCKRAKER: A muckraker seeks to expose corruption of businesses or government to the public
    Origin:
    Theodore Roosevelt used the term muckrake in a 1906 speech in which he agreed with the accusations of muckrakers, but questioned their methods

    Schmuckraker:
    A website dedicated to expanding knowledge of readers by muckraking and focusing on schmucks of society
    Origin:
    1998 school newspaper in Northeastern Pennsylvania

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